So I'm freaking terrified.
Grad school homework is incredibly more difficult than under-grad homework was, and I didn't always do too well keeping up with that or on it... >_<
I have no job. no one is hiring me. Maybe I am too shy when applying, but idk how to get braver - I'm scared sh*tless and just want it to be done...

I have no money. I'd like to say I'm being dramatic, but I'm not. I've got $1125.36 on my credit cards + at least $13 more if not other things not yet charged... while my checking account has $459.52 and my savings had under $60. Sure, Sean owes me money... and the money in my checking account is enough to pay for November rent and bills... but I've gotta eat off of my credit cards which have somewhere under $670. Certainly enough to eat off of... but assume I spend it all... then 1800 of the 2000 goes to credit cards. 200 isn't enough to pay December rent, let alone bills.

enough about money though, you'd think the above is what is most terrifying to me - you're wrong.

I'm super proud of Sean and all three of his possible jobs, that's awesome! But - I'm scared. I really don't like not seeing him much at all... and once he picks up one of the others so he's working 2, it'll be even worse. I'm sure I'll get over the original shock soon-ish (I hope) and it won't be as huge of a gaping chasm in my chest every-time he heads out. I'll jump into my homework to keep myself busy, that will be good for my grades. And I'll probably clean more - like today I'm working on the room. I'm worried that I'll crawl back in on myself. That I'll become a hermit and a shell that only really lives for the few hours he's home. I cried a lot yesterday, for some reason Sayuri let me hold her for quite a while as I sobbed. I didn't want everyone asking about it so I splashed cold water on my face to tone down the heat and the blotches...

I don't want to seem pathetic, but I am... and I don't want to put pressure on Sean or make him worry...

and I can't even describe how much it scares me to think that if I'm this bad when he's down the road at work, what about when he goes home to visit family? Or I go home to visit mom? Or, as much as I don't want to think about it, what if we break up? I can't dwell on that much... or else I'll become that shell and there won't be any moments of living - and that will just push him away and I'll lose him.

so now that I've been thoroughly depressing, I think I'll get back to the laundry and cleaning. I just needed to get it out. Typing it helps keep me from crying too much... no one is sitting here to see - not even my cat. that makes it much easier.

of course it's now that I realize I didn't take my anti-depressant this morning... better take that as well, I wish I could blame this all on that, but I can't...

why can't life be easier? Why must things always go poorly for me? even when I've got one of the best things going for me... school websites going down and making hw un-do-able for a day... next day possible bombers at the library keeping hw from being done again... Can't, for once in my life, everything go well and stay that way? I've got an amazing boy who loves me. Why does everything else have to try to destroy that by breaking me down?

seriously. done w/ the depression and dramatics and back to cleaning. I love you all. sorry you suffered through all that drama <3
~<3 Michelle